If you had asked me a year ago what being vulnerable was like, I would have broke down in tears. I was in a place where I didn’t know if I could honestly trust God or not. It seemed to me that we were getting forgotten somewhere in his big plan, and although I’ve only known God to be trusting and wise, I felt so alone and exposed. If you want to view my post from exactly one year ago, go here: How To Trust God.
My husband, who had been a baker for around 20 years, decided one day that he just may go back to school. I won’t tell you exactly what I was thinking, but it was along the lines of a couple things: he was crazy, and we were doomed. It was late spring, and he was going through all the hoops to head back to school. When I say all the hoops, I mean changing career paths from being a baker (all he’s known), to being a heavy equipment mechanic! No joke – except I thought to myself, “At least he’s still working with his hands!”. The hoops that he had to go through to get into one of the best programs in the country were insane. I felt sorry for him that he had to do all sorts of testing, physicals, interviews, etc. However, each hoop that he had to jump through gave me a chance to breathe, and I would think to myself, that here was another chance he wouldn’t make it. How terrible of a wife am I, huh?
I was used to our life as we knew it. Things weren’t great for us – we have had a lot of financial struggle in the past several years, and to top it off I just went on permanent disability with my Fibromyalgia. Life was what I was comfortable with though. We had a great church, family near by, and amazing friends. Not to mention my husband had a career that he knew inside out.
Why Change Now?
I thought over and over again about how life would just be easier if we could just leave everything as it was. One thing that I should mention here somewhere is that my husband is not one to just ‘up and change plans’. He is the stable one, and I am usually the big risk taker. HA! Here was one point where he was actually stepping out of his own comfort zone – for once, and here I was faced with the change I usually seek, and was fighting it! Despite how proud I was of him for taking this risk, and for all the loops he was actually making it through, there were some things to worry about. We would have NO income, have to move to a new province, leave our church, our family and our friends. This was going to be a big problem for me.
Move to Where?
It was July when we finally found out that we would indeed be moving and John would be heading back to school. We had one month to do it. Now, if you are one of my American friends, I’ll try to explain our move from the South Coast of British Columbia to Northern Alberta as this: it compares to moving from a city outside of Vancouver, 14 hours (most of them north), across the Rocky Mountains, away to a small little farm town in the middle of nowhere in Northern Alberta. I’m talking NORTH, people! It is still light out at midnight in the summer here! More perspective? Our nearest WalMart and McDonalds are an hour away!
Leave What Behind?
If you had been there the very day we were moving, it would have been quite a sight. We had already overloaded our moving truck by several hundred pounds, and needed to either get a bigger truck (not possible), or get rid of some stuff. So here we were, long after dark, unloading and reloading the truck. What ended up getting left behind, was a big pile of stuff on our lawn. Trying not to get too emotional here – but another ‘thing’, or someone I was going to have to leave behind was my 12 year old son. He decided he didn’t want to move so far away, and chose to stay and live with his dad (my ex-husband) in Vancouver. I cannot tell you how hard it was to follow my husband, and support him with his new career, and leave behind my sweet boy. Despite the fear, and heartache (an understatement), I knew God had a plan. Even for Isaiah.
A Year Later…
Wow. Where do I even start? God is faithful, that’s where. I can trust him and I need to learn to be even more vulnerable. When the hard times hit, and we don’t want to trust where God is leading us, we need to allow ourselves to be vulnerable, and let him lead. If I had not trusted God last year, I would have had a lot more difficult of a start here. Yet, somehow, through God’s grace, I was able to rest knowing that we would be taken care of. John has done amazing things through his course this past year, and is near the top of the class! We have found an amazing church that has blessed us beyond belief, and have made wonderful, lifetime friends. Isaiah has come to live with us, and we now feel complete as a family. The only thing that has not really been better for us, is my health – but even in that God has used the time that I’ve had on my hands to minister to me through reading and prayer. Having been used to being a work-a-holic for years, it takes so much to be at home by myself all day. Anyway, even in that God has been good to me.
Vulnerability means to be exposed, or to not be guarded. That is hard to do in a world where we feel like we have to cover ourselves at every angle.
The more guarded and cautious we are to what he wants for us, the more pain and tearing have to take place. Whereas, the more vulnerable we are to his leading – his guidance, the more doors we allow to open more easily. I wish I had remembered how faithful my God has always been to me, and I wish I had allowed myself to be more vulnerable to his leading. I think I would have seen some amazing miracles a whole lot sooner.
Image Source: Anna Gutermuth
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